Beautiful, chaotic, vague & fragile are the words I would use to describe my life currently. Making history everyday, not only in my own life but as part of humanity as we continue to emerge from the greatest & most devastating pandemic known to mankind.
I used to work in a camping store way back when, in what feels like it could have been another life & I often used to distract myself by deciding on my escape route in the instance, that in that moment the apocalypse happened. To be honest, a lot of the emotions I’ve felt in the past 12 months have been a world away from when I used to try to visualize my route out of the mall but have since experienced in what was an apocalyptic event.
It’s naturally to then be taking yet an even deeper dive into myself I believe, as the world is beginning to bloom again, I felt the need to retreat inwardly. Except there’s a stark difference between this journey and any I’ve taken previously. I’m determined & unafraid.
If the pandemic taught me anything, it was to not only be comfortable with my own company, but even to seek it out. I’ve challenged myself emotionally and it’s not always been pleasant in the depths of myself – but I am blessed to have a breathing line that with a few sharp tugs brings me bursting back to the surface gasping for air, where I can recover, until I’m ready to dive again.
I wouldn’t recommend taking that dive without that life line. So if you’re tempted, I urge you to build your support network first. That being said, this journey is wilder, more disturbing, delightful and inspiring than I ever thought. This week in particular I’ve found bathing in the lake of my depths to be the space I’ve wanted to be all the time.
Consider it like when Eleven delves into the upside down in Stranger Things. Be warned, just as there are in Hawkins, there are some unfathomable beasts under the surface of ones self, but equipped with the tools, I’ve been victorious in slaying those terrible beasties & feel more in control and stable than I’ve ever felt in my life to this point.
I feel as though I’m coming back up slowly to the surface, but the water is clearer, I can see the sunlight shining across the surface, it’s no longer a lake inside a cave, but in fact an entire ocean around me, full of light, possibility and positive energy. While it’s still a little dark, I feel so in-tune with myself. My eyes are closed but I can sense everything around me, like I can feel all of life and the cosmos all at once. I feel like a Jedi knight.
I’ve taken myself back to basics. I’m re-writing my core values and I’m discovering myself again because I want to be able to honour myself, because when I honour me, I can honour you.
So thank you, thank you for following me on my journey and waiting, while I dive again for a few days further. The energy I feel is incredible though, it’s like connection to all things at once, something so powerful I dare not handle it too long yet.
I’m hoping that this is just the beginning of another chapter, because I now realise that all the chapters to this point have been all a part of my story. I haven’t been waiting to become the spirit I wanted to be, I am that spirit, I am just, in the phase of becoming.